heartjacked

2004-10-26T13:02:00.000-04:00

I haven't really been writing on here anymore, well, because E found this blog. Kind of defeats the point of having a private place to talk about stuff. I guess it's kind of a blessing in a way. I realize that unlike cockunderlock, this blog has no direction, no theme, no cohesive intention, and no joy. It's just been a place to wallow in misery. I can't even say that I feel any benefits from writing on it.
So, stick a fork in me because I am done. I am going into blogging retirement. I'm moving to Blog Florida.
Thanks for reading those of you who did stick around.
-D

Still Fucked Up

2004-10-16T13:23:00.000-04:00

I feel real shitty-like for not being more consistent with my writing. Things have been rather rough still. It's hardly inspiring me to share. Beyond being lonely and despondent I have also been sick for the last 3 weeks. On monday after spending all day in the world's saddest emergency room I was finally able to see a doctor and learned that I have bronchitis. I have been on antibiotics for the last 5 days but feel little improved. If things aren't better by monday I really need to find a general practitioner.
Last night in a bout of loneliness and longing I called E despite my telling myself it was a bad idea. I feel much stronger when I let myself be mad at her and harbour feelings of anger, but when I let even the slightest thought that I truly miss her in, it just breaks me down. I almost feel like I am back at square one. She told me about her current relationship issues and how she missed me too. I just don't know what to do with that. The whole decision was completely hers, I just have to live with it while having no power to do anything about it. Obviously I am still having problems moving on. Fantastic!
I have to cut this one short. Got a rehearsal and then a show. Not that either is doing much to lift my spirits.

I'm Sorry but I was Low as Dirt

2004-10-07T16:06:00.000-04:00

I've just been too low to blog over the last week, and I didn't really feel like having to express how or why I was feeling that way in words. I'm not even sure I could explain it. Last weekend was particularly rough. On Sunday I just slept because I felt so unable to do anything. I can't say it was all loneliness, but that was the lion's share. Perhaps I was just in normal valley of emotion, yet I don't pay as much mind to that feeling when I have someone else's presence to distract me. Even masturbation has lost it's fun (just like the Green Day lyric)
There weren't many positive points over the last weekend. I saw DIG which was truly inspiring as a musician. I'm a huge Dandy Warhol's fan, but what really inspired me in this movie was The Brian Jonestown Massacre. That guy definitely has the insane genius vibe going on. I highly advise everyone to go to their website where you can either download every song they ever wrote, or stream the lot of them. (that's a lot of linking) That movie has been making me rethink how I record music. Being technically savvy, I tend to use the computer as an instrument in a way (lots of software synths, using and creating loops, keeping everything to a strict tempo so I can cut and paste) but after watching that I just want to record organically again and use the PC as a multi-track tape machine only. So far it's been freeing me up and eliminating a lot of the frustration I've had with recording over the last year. I just do it free and easy with mistakes and all. Like the 4-track I had when I was 16.
Anyway back to the high points. I went out after the movie to catch some bands. That was actually nice too. Saw some people I knew and met some people I've been hearing about. I did have to drink budweiser because I was on a budget. Got slightly buzzed but no residual hangover the next day. (thank god)
I got another laptop from my work. So now I have the challenge of making linux run on it the way I want to, which actually means getting the problematic wireless card working.
Otherwise not too much great stuff. I had started unwilling with a girl I met off of craig's list. But I'm just lacking the effort to put too much into it. I just stopped writing her, and when I got even more mails from her I've been responding with like 2 sentence replies. She's cute and all but what she says in her emails has been to out there for even me. I have had good and bad experiences with meeting girls off of craig's list, but since my breakup with E, I just don't even feel like I can go back to that. Besides the one really good experience I had there also led to heartbreak eventually, and the not so good ones were either just so-so or horrible. Most of the times it feels kind of forced and not too organic. I could change my mind later, because sometimes NYC is actually a hard place to meet people.
So. Basically I am dreading this coming weekend. For I fear Sunday I will be in the same place with nothing to do and no one to do it with. Pathetic how I used to only live for the weekends and dreaded working during the week. Now I'm so grateful for the structure and occupation of time that work gives me.
E's vet called me yesterday. He still has my number on file for E's cat. So I sent her the briefest email I could letting her know this. Then I had feelings of remorse for at least not letting her know I was sorry that her cat was sick (which I was, I love her cat too). But I don't think I'm going to write her a sympathy email. How the hell do you express sympathy but imply that you don't want a response or to ever communicate with that person again?
I still have not been smoking the mary jane, but I'm not even sure why not at this point. It seems if there was ever a time to cave it would have been this week. I'm not even feeling the positive self-esteem end results that I got when I first quit. Fuck it though. I don't really miss it that much now.
I am so not with the buddhist vibe I was having a week or two ago. Sometimes I feel it, but then the rest of my ugly human emotions overtake me. Let's just call it a work in progress.
Well that's all I have to say for the moment. I wish I felt more inspired if for nothing else than retaining the limited audience that I do have.

Nerd, I am.

2004-09-28T16:54:00.000-04:00

I've been getting intouch with my inner-geek lately. I work as techie in the computer industry, so that kind of makes me geeky to start. However, I have always prided myself on being the coolest geek I know. Ussually this would involve leaving all the computer tinkering for the office, but every so often I go through these phases where I just want to be all the brainiac I can be. So I have been kicking ass at work, where I used to just sit and download movies all day, I've been teaching myself Linux again, and I have been just fixing just about anything that I can find that is broken. Perhaps I am trying to prevent the adage of my idle hands being the devil's tools. Oh well, at least it's constructive.
Got to run to pick up my kitty from the vet. He just got his balls whacked off. (the inside joke last night with my roomates is that we should have at least given him a hand-job before performing this disfigurement)
-D

Untitled

2004-09-26T13:20:00.000-04:00

I have been in good spirits lately overall. I have been reading a lot about Buddhism and have been experiencing that with a little compassion and understanding for myself and others, scores of positive things can happen. It's cyclical and feeds on itself, much the way negativity does. I have had tough moments too, but they just don't stay with me as much. I'm going to meet with friend of mine later this week that has been going to a Zen temple and learn of her experiences, and perhaps test the waters myself.
It's been exactly 2 weeks since I quit the ganja. I'm hardly even that tempted. Of course there are moments, but I seem to get past them without difficulty. I'm considering putting a counter on this page that has "X amount of Days Without Weed". I don't know if I really want to quit permanently, I just want to chill the fuck out on that shit.
My band played a show Friday night. I was in a really great positive mood. The kind of mood where I knew that no matter how it went, I was going to enjoy myself. The hours up until the show were full of social activity. I stopped by friends gallery after sound check and there was a little shindig going on there. Hung out, had a few drinks, and then headed home. Lo and behold there was another little party going on there (the skunkiest weed was being passed around, testing my level of resistance). I had a few more drinks, got ready and headed to the club. More drinks and socializing at the club. I had no trouble approaching girls I didn't know and initiating conversation. I felt I was coming off as charming and funny at the beginning of the night, probably less so as I got more intoxicated (regardless I'm never that asshole aggressive guy. I hope). The show was a really good experience overall. Drummer broke a kick drum head mid-set, and instead of the band falling apart in the face of adversity, made light of it and then had a little jam (sans drums) as the head was changed. Overall, I think we all had fun and were all really into it, which is most important being a fledgling rock band.
Then something bad happened. Not all that bad really, but at the moment it dampened my spirits. I saw a girl I had once fancied. (Backstory: We had a mutual attraction thing going on at a point when I was dating E. E, of course, would get really jealous when this girl was around. During a breakup I went on a double date of sorts with her. But somehow it didn't go right. Probably I was pushing too hard for it to work and fill the void that E had left. E and I got back together a week later and that was that) This girl was there with her boyfriend (an on again/off again thing as well, and a guy who I used to play in a band with too. All incestuous and weird is the rock scene) I started feeling pangs of jealousy myself, for she is pretty, successful, fashionable, funny, and my age. She does represent the archetype of the kind of girl I should be with. They invited me to another bar and we left with a group of people. On they way there I noticed that I had lost my cell phone. I was pretty drunk by this time. The combo of jealousy and losing the phone sank my mood hard and fast. Before long I was just useless as company. I bid everyone good night and headed home. On the way back my mood sunk even more as I saw good looking couples everywhere and I was heading home to sleep alone. Drunk, Sad, and Lonely. I tried to talk myself out of it, and did eventually manage to let it go somewhat. I called my phone when I got home and eventually someone from the club answered, and said I could pick it up the next day. ( a small victory) I still had residual pangs of loneliness the next day as I would eye beautiful tattooed women walking around my neighborhood. I know I am just being impatient and I will find someone else in time. That thought does not really make the desire disappear though. New York City is tough in that sense. There are so many attractive people around, yet it is still tough to meet people. Most everyone is guarded and weary of strangers. This doesn't mean it's always this way, just generally. It's funny all the different ways I have met and dated girls here. They are never quite the same.
I can't help but think it might be a while before I meet that special girl. I would much rather just use my time constructively until then.

Quick One

2004-09-21T11:48:00.000-04:00

There is a bunch I want to blog about, but unfortunate (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) I am on this mad raging workaholic rampage. I have to. There is some project stuff that has a deadline, and other stuff I left behind before I went away. So I will encapsulate.
I am feeling better. There have been periods of despair, but not lasting as long. I have been good about abstaining from the demon weed and that makes me feel stronger. I have also been reading the art of happiness by the Dalai Lama and that is really helping me shift my perspective. To put another way my friend phrased so well. "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired".
So while life at this moment is not all wine and roses it isn't all clouds and tears either.
-D

Warning! Long, Insane Post Ahead.

2004-09-19T14:08:00.000-04:00

Sorry. I just have to work some things out here. It's long and possibly not really that interesting. I'm not sure if it even makes sense. But I have no other way to get these feelings out of me so I can move past them.

My oh my. I just love rewards. You know when you make some kind of sacrifice or put a whole bunch of effort into something, and then you get to reap the fruits of your labor. That's pretty much the opposite of how I feel about the recent gifts I have been privileged to receive. See lately I have been cursed with the ability to remember my dreams. Usually I am a chronic pot smoker. It's been that way since I was 18 or so. I'm not such a big drinker and pot has always been my intoxicant of choice. I have quit here and there for a month or so. When I went away to France I once again had the chance to bring some clarity to my head. I really enjoyed it, and I do wish to continue my abstinence. Mostly because I think it keeps me from achieving my goals, and tends to make me complacent and apathetic. One of the side effects of smoking all the time is that you rarely remember your dreams, even after you just wake up. Dreams were non-existent for the most part. Now they are back, and I can't say that I like it.
Try and figure out what this one means. I had one last night where E brought her new boyfriend to sleep over at my place, we were all in my room together. I didn't speak a word to this other guy. At one point E left the room to go to the bathroom and the silence was so uncomfortable for me. I kept thinking "there is no way I am going to be the one who initiates conversation with this guy". I wondered if he would try to break the awkward silence, but he never did either. It just seemed all so cruel. Another thing was that E brought over a book/play she wrote. It was so verbose with side panel descriptions and histories of every article used in the text. It was something about flannel and clothing and such. I can't fully describe it all that well, but it was almost like an encyclopedia and a story in paperback form. I don't know what that all means, however I do remember being sick with jealousy that she had written a book and I had not. The ironic thing here is that I actually am going to be published in a compilation in real life. (actually it just occurs to me that this book she wrote in my dream bears an uncanny resemblance to a copy of Hamlet of her's that I found yesterday. It was the play but with literary analysis throughout on the left hand pages. E is actress and a drama junkie. She is obessed with Shakespeare and specifically Hamlet. The new guy is also an actor as well. They communicate referencing that romantic language. It's no wonder that she is so swept away by him. I have more to say about this below).
While I was away E cc-ed me in an email she wrote to the new guy. I didn't see it while I was away and only found it just yesterday. As I read it my heart sank even more than I thought was possible. She made it very clear her feelings for this guy. Words that promised everlasting love and a commitment much deeper than she had ever made for me. In it she said she loved me for all that I had given her and that she would always treasure what we had, etc. Yet, my take on it was that I was just a good time and of nowhere near as dear to her heart as the new guy. Then I read his words below. It must be my cynicism, but it seemed so corny and cliche. Yet I know it's hard to express love without sounding this way. He even pointed out that he was worried about coming off that way. When I first met E, I wrote her long intense emails. Ones that I slaved over till they were just right. I poured every part of my heart and humor into them. She often said it was my writing that wooed her. As time went and our relationship commenced, the mails got shorter and less thought out, until it was mostly us just passing little notes back and forth to each other during the work day. I suppose I got complacent. I guess my point here is that E requires a lot of attention and romanticism consistently. I was unable to maintain that requirement with any level of regularity. I knew this would be my undoing in the end. Now that time has come and I don't feel any better for having that foresight. Back to the letter. I must say that I was so hurt by this that it did almost entirely kill any hope I had of getting back together with E. Almost. I want to tell her that I wish to never speak to her or see her again. I haven't talked to her yet since France, she is coming back today. I wonder if she will call me or email me in the next couple of days, and if I should tell her that she fucked things up beyond all recognition and that if I never saw her again it would be too soon. All that stuff. But then part of me thinks I should rephrase this in a nicer way because harboring anger in my heart is exasperating and isn't going to make it any better. I'm also holding onto the wish that she will tell me she is just as unsure as she was before and that she wrote that letter caught up in a swirl of emotion. (one thing about E is that she is prone to have changes of feelings and act on them almost immediately, only to change her mind again). I just don't know what I will do or say when she does contact me again. Especially after what went on in Paris, which I said I would not go into detail about.
I went to another peepshow party last night. Perhaps I wanted to go as a way of separating that from something I associate with E. I had no intention of hookups or anything much happening. I figured I would go and just be a fly on the wall. Anything that happened to me beyond that would just be gravy. I got dressed in my finest, sexiest latex, to the point where I was actually getting excited and had a sense of expectation. There was some kinky stuff going on, but for the most part the evening was a let down. Bad ratio of girls to boys, and that is the kind of place you have to go with a partner if you want to have a really good time. I was social and enjoyed it somewhat, but it was the other end of the spectrum of my time there with E. So after all I am left feeling deflated by the experience. I guess deep down I thought there might have been the possibility of meeting someone kinky and fun to start something with. I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover and memories of that dream I talked about earlier. So this morning really sucked, but I do feel better having written about it.
Another reoccuring thought struck me last night. 'I was foolish to think that I was going to get out of this easy.' By the time E and I last broke up, I felt I had reached my fill of what I could take. I was frustrated with the relationship. I had other girls interested in me. I thought "I don't need this kind of shit anymore. Great sex or no sex this isn't quite worth it." So it was with this kind of mentality we had the talk that put the final nail in the coffin. I was ok with it for a week or so. I probably wasn't until things didn't work out with that new girl and E had latched on to the new guy that regret started to creep in. Unfortunately, the less I could have her, the more I missed her. Now it's grown in my mind to be the end all be all, and I can't seem to shake that feeling. The human mind is a terrible things. Period. I'm more of a masochist than even I knew.
Alright. I can't think of anything else to say. Maybe I got it all out. For now.

Rambling on WIthout Paragraphs

2004-09-15T21:12:00.000-04:00

I’m sitting here. It’s 2 a.m. in the morning. I’m looking out at a breathtaking view of the French Riviera. I’m wearing pajama bottoms with cowboys on ‘em that E got me last Christmas (The Golden Age). I’m smoking. I’m thinking too much. I hung out with E in Paris, but I promised I wouldn’t speak about it. So I won’t. I read High Fidelity yesterday. If there is such a thing as the right book at the right time, that was it. I’m not sad at the moment. Neither am I content with the way things are. I just am. Phoenixfyre left me comment that echoes what my Mom said. I know they are right. But it doesn’t change a thing. I know there is more pain ahead, but I also know things will be alright. I wish I could bottle this feeling to open up when needed in case of emergency. I just had a visit from a black cat with a bad case of glaucoma. Every so often I think about E’s new short haircut. I like it. I’m playing a show next Friday. I’m wondering if this will be the unprecedented time that I meet a wonderful girl at a show and start a deep fulfilling relationship. I’m doubting it. I wonder if I should invite E (I have been asking her not to come since our breakups). I don’t have any illusions that I am an aspiring rock star. I’m just a guy that plays in a band. I like it that way. I’m not looking forward to going back to my job. I realize that I have to do something more fulfilling with my life. I don’t think that will change too soon (I need the money). But I’m thinking about it. I wonder if I will ever blog about sex again. I’m not sure if it would be a terrible thing if I didn’t, besides the fact that less people will want to read it. It occurs to me that E and I are now an online soap opera. I imagine that makes for interesting reading as well. I would read it. As deep as the desire is for sex so is the need to understand love and heartache. They are universal needs and everyone has them. I’m trying my hand at writing besides this blog. I hope I can maintain it. This is despite the fact that I am one of those guys that says it’s better to do something and then show it than to talk about it and give up on it. But I have given up on other things that I kept tight lipped. So who gives a fuck? I’m wondering why heartache has the ability to make me feel more interesting. And the flipside. Why does contentment lead to complacency? I’m happy some people are reading this. I’m running out of things to say. So I will say no more for now.
-D

2004-09-10T09:34:00.000-04:00

Crikey! It's been over a week and I haven't posted didly squat. There's a few reasons. I was in Florida visiting a friend during the hurricane last week, and there was no power or internet down there. When I got back I was buried in work. I also hit another serious low point during the mid-week, and didn't feel like I could bring myself to write about anything.
My friend, who's an old bandmate, has 3 little girls and he's not even 30 yet. They are so adorable and being with them really reaffirmed my desire to have children some day. But it also made me sad that I am not even close to meeting a girl of substance that I could make a life with. The whole time I was down there I was thinking E, knowing she was visiting her new boyfriend on the west coast (with no power, there was a bit too much time for thinking).
I came back into town. Had rehearsal that night. My bandmate dragged me out to a bar afterwards with the intention of getting me laid or something. She did introduce me to a hot little number. But almost immediately I knew it was a dead end. She was another super young, party girl, most definitely a heartbreaker. I know that I don't want cheap thrills. I want something I can trust. Someone I can count on. And this girl was poison. Albeit the sweetest smelling poison in the most exquisite bottle. But deadly none the less. We talked a bit. She told me she had a blog. I started to tell her about cockunderlock, but then refused to give her the url. I really don't want the worlds of my personal life and my deviant sex life to collide. When I did leave, I said goodbye and all that but didn't even bother with getting her number. I just have to stay away from young girls. Although sadly that it also what I am drawn to.
I was feeling pretty low after that encounter. Just dwelling on the thought that I will never meet someone truly right for me, and that I can connect with sexually the same way I did with E. Even when I masturbate, if there is no porno around the only thing that gets me off is replaying experiences with E.
I going to France this week. Meeting my family in Nice. But I have to fly next to E. Originally we were supposed to have this wonderful trip together. Then we broke up and she didn't change her ticket like she said she would. Then it was too late. So now I have to contend with that. Then she emails me and instant messages me yesterday. She wants to hang out a bit when we are there. My response was that I didn't know why or think it was a good idea. Then she goes into the whole "I miss you" thing, and basically expressed all the fears and worries that I've expressed about not having another intense sexual relationship like ours. How the new guy is a boy scout in bed, and all this shit which I take to be second thoughts about leaving me. But when I call her on it and say why not tell the new guy to "fuck off" and be with me again, she says that she can't do it. It sounds to me like she is horny, confused, and wanting to enjoy the tease of memory lane. She cited the trust issue as the main reason why she couldn't be with me again. That she feels I violated her trust so much and she didn't think she could get over it. I don't generally see myself as a dishonest person, but obviously I am capable of it when motivated by jealousy. I'd be lying if I said I don't look for all the angles of a situation and what can be used to my advantage. But I am trying to walk the straight and narrow. And I've only faltered a few times. I'm trying to learn from that whole experience w/ E and the times that I did fuck up. But I digress.
I'm really dreading this flight. But sometimes I find myself also hoping that it will lead to a reconciliation. I know I'm just being stupid and irrational. But Mr. Rejection, the little man that lives in my head, is desperately looking for a way to fix things so he won't have to feel bad all the time. This is just the type of behavior that makes things worse for me. Several times I have told myself to hold fast and not give in to letting E know I want her back, but every time even a hint of her missing me comes up, I jump at it like a rabid dog. It's probably not that bad. Although the fact that I am willing to welcome her back in a moments notice makes me feel like a doormat.
I really have to come face to face with the facts. Well anyway, I'll be gone for a week or so.
holla
-d

Scared to Blog Roll

2004-09-02T12:42:00.000-04:00

I am completely unable to troll around and look at random sex blog links in fear that I might come across E's new blog. I know the chances are pretty random, but whenever I come across someone's blog roll that has cockunderlock or jockeynyc there, I consider the chances that they have E's new blog pretty much at 50%. E warned me that her new blog name would not be hard for me to figure out if I tried. So it wasn't unusual that I got freaked the fuck out last week, when I came across a link called "one sweet ride" (that was the subtitle of E's old blog), I was certain that that was what she named her new one. I sat there heart thumping away in my chest wondering if I could force myself to forget that I just saw that link. I tried for 15 minutes and then resigned myself to the fact that I had to see if it was it. Praise Allah, Jesus, and Buddha it wasn't (it was just a link to her old one). But it did put the scare into me of looking at random blog rolls. I think eventually when I'm with someone new, I would like to know what E is up to, but right now the thought of reading about her love/sex life would throw me into another funk.
I know she is going away this weekend to see the new/old guy. I find myself consitently hoping that the sex for her is completely unfufilling and leaves her wondering why she left me at all. I know that this is not rational thought. That's why it's just a daydream. A man can indulge himself once in a while. Can't he?
I'm going away to visit a friend in Florida. Just in time for the hurricane.
On a positive note the goth girl emailed me. I doubt anything will come of it, or rather I'm not going to try too hard. I think that was what scared her off the 1st time. Besides I don't really think she would be the magic cure-all to my problems that I thought she previously might have been.
Besides that not a lot is going on besides work, band, and a lot of wanking.

Any of Y'all on Myspace?

2004-08-31T13:46:00.000-04:00

If you are I'll add you as one of my friends. My profile is here. I suppose this kills the anonymity, but I don't think that matters much since this blog isn't that illicit. Besides you can see my band and the goth chick that flumexed me.
I could go into the details of the past week as related to E and my emotional state, but I'm getting sick of writing depressing things. And besides feeling pretty low I haven't done much else lately.

Here's to brighter days.

2004-08-26T16:53:00.000-04:00

Things are getting better. At least I'm getting over the despair. I had an extended long weekend visiting the folks where I spent many hours looking at the ocean and contemplating. E forgave me for the blog hijacking incident and called a few times. We had some nice chats.
When I got back to NYC, I was really feeling like I would be ok. I still do. However,E called me at the end of the day. She wanted to hang out. I really debated it for a while but eventually I couldn't resist. I think she was feeling lonely and had no one else to hang out with that night. She came over, we talked, hugged and what not. There were more than a few moments of temptation. We started to watch a movie and during the titles I grabbed E's head, pulled her close and kissed her. She was kissing me back, and it felt so blissful. I started to rub my hands over her body and then she stopped me. She got really upset, weirded out, and wanted to leave. I walked her out and we started to talk outside my apartment. Eventually she decided to come back inside where we talked some more and eventually watched the movie, etc.
The crazy thing was that I wasn't even sure that I wanted to fool around with her. I just did it and couldn't stop myself. It's not even about getting my rocks off or one final sexual goodbye. I just miss the connection we had in that realm. It was all so easy and natural. But I believe it's true. There is no going back.
I also think that E is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She misses the friendship we had, and it's exciting to have the tease of the sexual chemistry we have, but she also doesn't want to be with me romantically and wants to date this other guy. So the Dude(me) must abide. Somehow I can't get over thinking that is pretty selfish of her to want to be friends with me so quickly. So, I have to put my proverbial foot down and not hang out with her despite my incessant desire to do so.
So I was feeling better. I'm a little bit sadder today than I was yesterday. But I am nowhere near how I was a week ago.
We'll see what life has to offer...

Pathos

2004-08-20T13:47:00.000-04:00

I just can't stop writing or wanting to make contact with E. I saw a missed call on my phone from her, and immediately I had to call her back. No answer, left a message, called again an hour later, no answer, I just hung up. That's not counting the several despondent emails I wrote her yesterday and the one I wrote today. I know I shouldn't for a few reasons like:

She is pissed at me and can't trust me

I need to move on and just forget about any kind of reconciliation

She is already dating other guys

I'm only extending my pain

But for some idiotic reason I can't stop myself. It's like watching a bad horror movie, where the expendable character decides to go off on his own despite there being a murdering psychopath on the loose. Your screaming at the TV telling him not to go into that abandoned house, yet he never listens, and winds up with an axe sticking out of the back of his head. I know I should just be strong and let things go. Move on. But I'm not. I'm weak. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm clinging to the past. Rationally I know this to will pass, and I will start to feel like my old self. But for now, part of me wants to make myself feel bad. I'm so jealous of E, that she has new men acting as distractions. Still feeling wanted.
I really hate rehashing all this stuff. I can't imagine it's fun to read for anybody, and must be boring after a while. I think I need to focus on music and expressing my pain through that. Hopefully I can get something accomplished this weekend. Maybe I'll start posting that. D sings the blues. It's got a nice ring to it.

2004-08-19T11:02:00.000-04:00

This is what I wrote to E this morning. I doubt I'll ever get a reply.

I know there’s a very good chance you won’t read this. In light of my actions I don’t deserve any compassion from you. Believe me, I’m hating myself far worse than you could right now. I read on your blog where you said I metaphorically killed myself last night. The scary thing is that it literally sounded like good idea.

I don’t know why I did what I did. I knew it was wrong at the time. I was just filled with so much pain and anger and I felt powerless. I should have just asked you to move the blog again. It makes me feel so awful to think that I did something to hurt you and make you hate me, but I think that was my intention. I just couldn’t get it through my head that we were over for good. I did and do spend the better part of my day thinking about you and day dreaming of being back together again. Stupid. I know. I’m just stuck on that loop. At the time doing something irreparably damaging to us seemed like a good way for me to slap myself back to reality. The whole notion of trying to remain friends this early just kept me hopeful. But it was a bad kind of hope. The kind that only disappoints. The kind that keeps you from moving on. The kind that leaves you wondering why you weren’t good enough for the other person. I guess we both know the answer to that now.

I know my actions were so wrong. They tipped the scales of immorality. There isn’t any excuse good enough. I thank you for maintaining a level of decency that I wasn’t able to. I’m sorry it all went down like this too. Mostly I’m sorry for leaving such a bitter taste after the best meal of my life, and poisoning our memories of each other.

I wish you the best in life. I know it doesn’t mean anything to you now, but I do love you. I love you as you, that’s what is most sexy and attractive about you. That’s what drew me in. That’s what I was unable to say goodbye to.

I’m sorry

d

Confession

2004-08-18T14:20:00.000-04:00

I did something pretty awful. I hijacked E's blog. I had asked her to start a new blog so I wouldn't have to read about other guys in her life. She said she would and then changed her mind. I figured I would see how it played out, thinking that she would not discuss that part of her life with the knowledge that I would be reading it. No such luck. So I took matters into my own hands.
I feel pretty horrible about it, especially the fact that she will hate me for it. But it was just too painful to have to read that stuff, and I couldn't stop myself from doing so. It does make me feel a little less powerless in the situation. I really felt I gave E so much, treated her so well, and often put her needs infront of mine. Rarely were my needs considered, and I wasn't treated very well at all. She is the first to admit this. I sort of felt like a chump for being gracious to her and still being walked all over. So, it's with a mix of guilt and satisfaction that I performed this act.
One thing is for sure. It does burn a bridge and remove the notion from my head that she would want to come back to me. I set up filters to instantly delete any mails coming in from her. I do not want to have to read her reaction. Unfortunately I can't do the same with my cell phone and voicemail.
It all sounds so harsh and a million miles away from where we were mere months ago.
On the bright side I did manage to collect the rest of her stuff that was laying around my room. I kept putting it off, because I didn't think it would help or make me stop thinking about her. This has been my experience in the past. Although it didn't stop me from thinking of her, it did seem to make me feel a bit better once it was done.
I don't know. I still feel like crap, but I could see that subsiding in time.

2004-08-15T21:14:00.000-04:00

Something I'm wondering about lately. If you take away romantic love, do all the other experiences in life add up to something that equals the sensation of being truly in love? For the life of me I can't remember. I've had long periods of being single and I mostly remember feeling lonely, occasionally happy as well, but I always was thinking about having a girlfriend again. Granted I was more productive and I did channel my loneliness into creative endeavors. Strangely, I am having a hard time working on music right now. Usually I can only write when I'm depressed, and I'm pretty depressed right now. But I just don't want to take that final step of working out all my unresolved shit and memorializing the pain of not being with E again. Or to put it another way, just saying goodbye to her.
Today's my b-day. It sucks because all I can think about is what E would have in mind for me today if we were still together. I know this is the wrong mindset to have if I wish to move forward. I think I must need to keep feeling the pain until it dulls. There's no magical switch to turn off.
I saw an ex-girlfriend today, she was visiting for a car show. I broke her heart 6 months before I met E. Now we are able to hang out and it's cool. I have almost no desire to hook up with her right now. Although we did make plans to hang out in a couple of weeks, And I got the vibe that I could work it out as a sex thing. In my heart I know that it will not be like it was with E, and I just don't want to make things messy with my ex. I really want to be with someone I'm passionate about.

Kick Off

2004-08-12T09:57:00.000-04:00

O.k. I started a new blog. It's not a sex blog like the last one (yet). I'm not even sure who is going to want to come here and read this, but that's not really important. What is important is getting my shit together and picking up the pieces of my ~~heart~~ life.
In case you haven't figured it out. Things are REALLY over between me and E, and I'm not too chipper about it. What is really killing me is that she started seeing someone less than a week later. How fucking disrespectful is that? I don't know if I would have done it had I had the chance. Most likely I would have, but probably would also have been wracked with guilt. Regardless, I feel like yesterday's news. Unimportant and out of date. What sucks is that I know this is not the truth, but just my perspective. My self-esteem is so messed now, and I don't know when it's coming back up. I have a constant loop of daydreaming running through my head where some day she will regret her decision and come crawling back to me, or she will see me out with a hotter girl that is all over me and turn green with jealousy, or that her sex life will turn out pathetic and she will never be fufilled in the same way I made her feel. I know this is not nice, healthy, or necessarily plausible. But I can't stop. I just want vindication.
Maybe I'm being overly dramatic. I too wanted out by the time we last broke up. I was reaching my breaking point. And if I'm honest with myself I know that E never showed me the respect that I showed her. She truly is one of the more selfish and narcissistic girls I have ever dated. It's all about her. Perhaps my desire to please her is what kept me hanging on for so long. I do know this, I often fantisized about what a life with her would be like. I'm just so sick of getting fucked over by love and girls, but I know of no way to kill the desire inside.
Not to mention the fact that the universe is conspiring against me. I went to go see Spiderman 2 alone on Saturday night. Throughout the movie I would think about E as almost all moments have a tendency to remind me and make me nostalgic. Secretly I was fantasizing of running into her. As the movie ended and I got up, I saw E 2 seats away from me. What are the chances? Of all the theaters in NYC, and all the showtimes, all the seats in the theater, of all the movies that had been out for weeks. It goes beyond coincidence, and I have a hard time reconciling that. I'm a former superstitious alluitious, turned Nihilist, now I'm forced to question the whole order of the universe shit. Getting back to the story. E and I hung out that night and did a bunch of coke that I had left over from her birthday party. We talked a lot, cuddled, watched a home-made porno, barely fooled around. It was really nice, but as the morning came, sadness and longing to be together with her washed over me. I just missed being with her so much. I tried as hard as I could to convince her to leave things open between us. Over the next couple of days she made it very clear that She wishes to pursue something with this other person and I should have no illusions about us getting back together. So why did the universe put us in each other's path that night? I wanted to believe that it was because there is some tie, some destiny that wants us to be together. E, however, did not see it that way and does not want that. So now what to do with a moment that is more than coincidence, but is for all intense purposes meaningless because the other key person won't give it any significance. Ironically, she is the one that is truly on the spiritual path and desires to understand the order of life/universe. So, I'm given this amazing, miraculous moment, and the only way I can move on and deal with it is to say that it was just a coincidence. That's fucked up.
Alright. I'm a hypocrite. I did meet someone right after E and I ended. It was this girl that told the guitarist in my band that she liked me. This cute little goth girl. 23, perfect height for me, musician, artist, nose piercing, tattoos, fuckin' the whole enchilada. We hung out after my show on a Friday, had an impromptu date on Saturday. Made out as I was getting her a cab. Saw each other briefly again the next day (made out too). And then...phone tag leading to .....poof! Nothing. I'm not even sure what happened. Perhaps I called her one time too many, perhaps my messages were lame, maybe I'm too old for her, or I just seemed boring, or my breath stank, or maybe my neediness of the stench of loser-ness drove her away, I don't know what. I can't stop speculating. I wanted her for a distraction, but I can't tell if subconsciously I wasn't ready and therefore I blew it, or if it just wasn't right, or what. Regardless, I suppose I would have gone for it, and therefore used it to mark the end of me and E. And yes that would have disrespected our relationship. But there you go. It didn't happen, and lucky for me it looks like I have a long period of singledom ahead and time to wallow in sorrow about missing E.
So, I feel doubly rejected lately. If it's not me being in the dumps about E, I just as easily wonder why I was not good enough for the goth girl. It's just been a festival of self-loathing and the house of D.
So that's pretty much where I am now. It seems like this blog is just a place for me to vent and hopefully exorcize that pain that is in me. Kind of like a personal diary. I don't know why anyone would be interested in reading that, so I'm sorry if you came here expecting something else. Maybe that will change. I fuckin' hope so.