I haven't really been writing on here anymore, well, because E found this blog. Kind of defeats the point of having a private place to talk about stuff. I guess it's kind of a blessing in a way. I realize that unlike cockunderlock, this blog has no direction, no theme, no cohesive intention, and no joy. It's just been a place to wallow in misery. I can't even say that I feel any benefits from writing on it.
So, stick a fork in me because I am done. I am going into blogging retirement. I'm moving to Blog Florida.
Thanks for reading those of you who did stick around.
-D

Still Fucked Up

I feel real shitty-like for not being more consistent with my writing. Things have been rather rough still. It's hardly inspiring me to share. Beyond being lonely and despondent I have also been sick for the last 3 weeks. On monday after spending all day in the world's saddest emergency room I was finally able to see a doctor and learned that I have bronchitis. I have been on antibiotics for the last 5 days but feel little improved. If things aren't better by monday I really need to find a general practitioner.
Last night in a bout of loneliness and longing I called E despite my telling myself it was a bad idea. I feel much stronger when I let myself be mad at her and harbour feelings of anger, but when I let even the slightest thought that I truly miss her in, it just breaks me down. I almost feel like I am back at square one. She told me about her current relationship issues and how she missed me too. I just don't know what to do with that. The whole decision was completely hers, I just have to live with it while having no power to do anything about it. Obviously I am still having problems moving on. Fantastic!
I have to cut this one short. Got a rehearsal and then a show. Not that either is doing much to lift my spirits.

I'm Sorry but I was Low as Dirt

I've just been too low to blog over the last week, and I didn't really feel like having to express how or why I was feeling that way in words. I'm not even sure I could explain it. Last weekend was particularly rough. On Sunday I just slept because I felt so unable to do anything. I can't say it was all loneliness, but that was the lion's share. Perhaps I was just in normal valley of emotion, yet I don't pay as much mind to that feeling when I have someone else's presence to distract me. Even masturbation has lost it's fun (just like the Green Day lyric)
There weren't many positive points over the last weekend. I saw DIG which was truly inspiring as a musician. I'm a huge Dandy Warhol's fan, but what really inspired me in this movie was The Brian Jonestown Massacre. That guy definitely has the insane genius vibe going on. I highly advise everyone to go to their website where you can either download every song they ever wrote, or stream the lot of them. (that's a lot of linking) That movie has been making me rethink how I record music. Being technically savvy, I tend to use the computer as an instrument in a way (lots of software synths, using and creating loops, keeping everything to a strict tempo so I can cut and paste) but after watching that I just want to record organically again and use the PC as a multi-track tape machine only. So far it's been freeing me up and eliminating a lot of the frustration I've had with recording over the last year. I just do it free and easy with mistakes and all. Like the 4-track I had when I was 16.
Anyway back to the high points. I went out after the movie to catch some bands. That was actually nice too. Saw some people I knew and met some people I've been hearing about. I did have to drink budweiser because I was on a budget. Got slightly buzzed but no residual hangover the next day. (thank god)
I got another laptop from my work. So now I have the challenge of making linux run on it the way I want to, which actually means getting the problematic wireless card working.
Otherwise not too much great stuff. I had started unwilling with a girl I met off of craig's list. But I'm just lacking the effort to put too much into it. I just stopped writing her, and when I got even more mails from her I've been responding with like 2 sentence replies. She's cute and all but what she says in her emails has been to out there for even me. I have had good and bad experiences with meeting girls off of craig's list, but since my breakup with E, I just don't even feel like I can go back to that. Besides the one really good experience I had there also led to heartbreak eventually, and the not so good ones were either just so-so or horrible. Most of the times it feels kind of forced and not too organic. I could change my mind later, because sometimes NYC is actually a hard place to meet people.
So. Basically I am dreading this coming weekend. For I fear Sunday I will be in the same place with nothing to do and no one to do it with. Pathetic how I used to only live for the weekends and dreaded working during the week. Now I'm so grateful for the structure and occupation of time that work gives me.
E's vet called me yesterday. He still has my number on file for E's cat. So I sent her the briefest email I could letting her know this. Then I had feelings of remorse for at least not letting her know I was sorry that her cat was sick (which I was, I love her cat too). But I don't think I'm going to write her a sympathy email. How the hell do you express sympathy but imply that you don't want a response or to ever communicate with that person again?
I still have not been smoking the mary jane, but I'm not even sure why not at this point. It seems if there was ever a time to cave it would have been this week. I'm not even feeling the positive self-esteem end results that I got when I first quit. Fuck it though. I don't really miss it that much now.
I am so not with the buddhist vibe I was having a week or two ago. Sometimes I feel it, but then the rest of my ugly human emotions overtake me. Let's just call it a work in progress.
Well that's all I have to say for the moment. I wish I felt more inspired if for nothing else than retaining the limited audience that I do have.

Nerd, I am.

I've been getting intouch with my inner-geek lately. I work as techie in the computer industry, so that kind of makes me geeky to start. However, I have always prided myself on being the coolest geek I know. Ussually this would involve leaving all the computer tinkering for the office, but every so often I go through these phases where I just want to be all the brainiac I can be. So I have been kicking ass at work, where I used to just sit and download movies all day, I've been teaching myself Linux again, and I have been just fixing just about anything that I can find that is broken. Perhaps I am trying to prevent the adage of my idle hands being the devil's tools. Oh well, at least it's constructive.
Got to run to pick up my kitty from the vet. He just got his balls whacked off. (the inside joke last night with my roomates is that we should have at least given him a hand-job before performing this disfigurement)
-D

Untitled

I have been in good spirits lately overall. I have been reading a lot about Buddhism and have been experiencing that with a little compassion and understanding for myself and others, scores of positive things can happen. It's cyclical and feeds on itself, much the way negativity does. I have had tough moments too, but they just don't stay with me as much. I'm going to meet with friend of mine later this week that has been going to a Zen temple and learn of her experiences, and perhaps test the waters myself.
It's been exactly 2 weeks since I quit the ganja. I'm hardly even that tempted. Of course there are moments, but I seem to get past them without difficulty. I'm considering putting a counter on this page that has "X amount of Days Without Weed". I don't know if I really want to quit permanently, I just want to chill the fuck out on that shit.
My band played a show Friday night. I was in a really great positive mood. The kind of mood where I knew that no matter how it went, I was going to enjoy myself. The hours up until the show were full of social activity. I stopped by friends gallery after sound check and there was a little shindig going on there. Hung out, had a few drinks, and then headed home. Lo and behold there was another little party going on there (the skunkiest weed was being passed around, testing my level of resistance). I had a few more drinks, got ready and headed to the club. More drinks and socializing at the club. I had no trouble approaching girls I didn't know and initiating conversation. I felt I was coming off as charming and funny at the beginning of the night, probably less so as I got more intoxicated (regardless I'm never that asshole aggressive guy. I hope). The show was a really good experience overall. Drummer broke a kick drum head mid-set, and instead of the band falling apart in the face of adversity, made light of it and then had a little jam (sans drums) as the head was changed. Overall, I think we all had fun and were all really into it, which is most important being a fledgling rock band.
Then something bad happened. Not all that bad really, but at the moment it dampened my spirits. I saw a girl I had once fancied. (Backstory: We had a mutual attraction thing going on at a point when I was dating E. E, of course, would get really jealous when this girl was around. During a breakup I went on a double date of sorts with her. But somehow it didn't go right. Probably I was pushing too hard for it to work and fill the void that E had left. E and I got back together a week later and that was that) This girl was there with her boyfriend (an on again/off again thing as well, and a guy who I used to play in a band with too. All incestuous and weird is the rock scene) I started feeling pangs of jealousy myself, for she is pretty, successful, fashionable, funny, and my age. She does represent the archetype of the kind of girl I should be with. They invited me to another bar and we left with a group of people. On they way there I noticed that I had lost my cell phone. I was pretty drunk by this time. The combo of jealousy and losing the phone sank my mood hard and fast. Before long I was just useless as company. I bid everyone good night and headed home. On the way back my mood sunk even more as I saw good looking couples everywhere and I was heading home to sleep alone. Drunk, Sad, and Lonely. I tried to talk myself out of it, and did eventually manage to let it go somewhat. I called my phone when I got home and eventually someone from the club answered, and said I could pick it up the next day. ( a small victory) I still had residual pangs of loneliness the next day as I would eye beautiful tattooed women walking around my neighborhood. I know I am just being impatient and I will find someone else in time. That thought does not really make the desire disappear though. New York City is tough in that sense. There are so many attractive people around, yet it is still tough to meet people. Most everyone is guarded and weary of strangers. This doesn't mean it's always this way, just generally. It's funny all the different ways I have met and dated girls here. They are never quite the same.
I can't help but think it might be a while before I meet that special girl. I would much rather just use my time constructively until then.

Quick One

There is a bunch I want to blog about, but unfortunate (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) I am on this mad raging workaholic rampage. I have to. There is some project stuff that has a deadline, and other stuff I left behind before I went away. So I will encapsulate.
I am feeling better. There have been periods of despair, but not lasting as long. I have been good about abstaining from the demon weed and that makes me feel stronger. I have also been reading the art of happiness by the Dalai Lama and that is really helping me shift my perspective. To put another way my friend phrased so well. "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired".
So while life at this moment is not all wine and roses it isn't all clouds and tears either.
-D

Warning! Long, Insane Post Ahead.

Sorry. I just have to work some things out here. It's long and possibly not really that interesting. I'm not sure if it even makes sense. But I have no other way to get these feelings out of me so I can move past them.

My oh my. I just love rewards. You know when you make some kind of sacrifice or put a whole bunch of effort into something, and then you get to reap the fruits of your labor. That's pretty much the opposite of how I feel about the recent gifts I have been privileged to receive. See lately I have been cursed with the ability to remember my dreams. Usually I am a chronic pot smoker. It's been that way since I was 18 or so. I'm not such a big drinker and pot has always been my intoxicant of choice. I have quit here and there for a month or so. When I went away to France I once again had the chance to bring some clarity to my head. I really enjoyed it, and I do wish to continue my abstinence. Mostly because I think it keeps me from achieving my goals, and tends to make me complacent and apathetic. One of the side effects of smoking all the time is that you rarely remember your dreams, even after you just wake up. Dreams were non-existent for the most part. Now they are back, and I can't say that I like it.
Try and figure out what this one means. I had one last night where E brought her new boyfriend to sleep over at my place, we were all in my room together. I didn't speak a word to this other guy. At one point E left the room to go to the bathroom and the silence was so uncomfortable for me. I kept thinking "there is no way I am going to be the one who initiates conversation with this guy". I wondered if he would try to break the awkward silence, but he never did either. It just seemed all so cruel. Another thing was that E brought over a book/play she wrote. It was so verbose with side panel descriptions and histories of every article used in the text. It was something about flannel and clothing and such. I can't fully describe it all that well, but it was almost like an encyclopedia and a story in paperback form. I don't know what that all means, however I do remember being sick with jealousy that she had written a book and I had not. The ironic thing here is that I actually am going to be published in a compilation in real life. (actually it just occurs to me that this book she wrote in my dream bears an uncanny resemblance to a copy of Hamlet of her's that I found yesterday. It was the play but with literary analysis throughout on the left hand pages. E is actress and a drama junkie. She is obessed with Shakespeare and specifically Hamlet. The new guy is also an actor as well. They communicate referencing that romantic language. It's no wonder that she is so swept away by him. I have more to say about this below).
While I was away E cc-ed me in an email she wrote to the new guy. I didn't see it while I was away and only found it just yesterday. As I read it my heart sank even more than I thought was possible. She made it very clear her feelings for this guy. Words that promised everlasting love and a commitment much deeper than she had ever made for me. In it she said she loved me for all that I had given her and that she would always treasure what we had, etc. Yet, my take on it was that I was just a good time and of nowhere near as dear to her heart as the new guy. Then I read his words below. It must be my cynicism, but it seemed so corny and cliche. Yet I know it's hard to express love without sounding this way. He even pointed out that he was worried about coming off that way. When I first met E, I wrote her long intense emails. Ones that I slaved over till they were just right. I poured every part of my heart and humor into them. She often said it was my writing that wooed her. As time went and our relationship commenced, the mails got shorter and less thought out, until it was mostly us just passing little notes back and forth to each other during the work day. I suppose I got complacent. I guess my point here is that E requires a lot of attention and romanticism consistently. I was unable to maintain that requirement with any level of regularity. I knew this would be my undoing in the end. Now that time has come and I don't feel any better for having that foresight. Back to the letter. I must say that I was so hurt by this that it did almost entirely kill any hope I had of getting back together with E. Almost. I want to tell her that I wish to never speak to her or see her again. I haven't talked to her yet since France, she is coming back today. I wonder if she will call me or email me in the next couple of days, and if I should tell her that she fucked things up beyond all recognition and that if I never saw her again it would be too soon. All that stuff. But then part of me thinks I should rephrase this in a nicer way because harboring anger in my heart is exasperating and isn't going to make it any better. I'm also holding onto the wish that she will tell me she is just as unsure as she was before and that she wrote that letter caught up in a swirl of emotion. (one thing about E is that she is prone to have changes of feelings and act on them almost immediately, only to change her mind again). I just don't know what I will do or say when she does contact me again. Especially after what went on in Paris, which I said I would not go into detail about.
I went to another peepshow party last night. Perhaps I wanted to go as a way of separating that from something I associate with E. I had no intention of hookups or anything much happening. I figured I would go and just be a fly on the wall. Anything that happened to me beyond that would just be gravy. I got dressed in my finest, sexiest latex, to the point where I was actually getting excited and had a sense of expectation. There was some kinky stuff going on, but for the most part the evening was a let down. Bad ratio of girls to boys, and that is the kind of place you have to go with a partner if you want to have a really good time. I was social and enjoyed it somewhat, but it was the other end of the spectrum of my time there with E. So after all I am left feeling deflated by the experience. I guess deep down I thought there might have been the possibility of meeting someone kinky and fun to start something with. I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover and memories of that dream I talked about earlier. So this morning really sucked, but I do feel better having written about it.
Another reoccuring thought struck me last night. 'I was foolish to think that I was going to get out of this easy.' By the time E and I last broke up, I felt I had reached my fill of what I could take. I was frustrated with the relationship. I had other girls interested in me. I thought "I don't need this kind of shit anymore. Great sex or no sex this isn't quite worth it." So it was with this kind of mentality we had the talk that put the final nail in the coffin. I was ok with it for a week or so. I probably wasn't until things didn't work out with that new girl and E had latched on to the new guy that regret started to creep in. Unfortunately, the less I could have her, the more I missed her. Now it's grown in my mind to be the end all be all, and I can't seem to shake that feeling. The human mind is a terrible things. Period. I'm more of a masochist than even I knew.
Alright. I can't think of anything else to say. Maybe I got it all out. For now.